You're gone.....

   

   It’s devastating to learn that some of your friends no longer want to be a part of your life, no matter what the reason. But especially, when that reason has not been made clear.

   I have always taken my friendships very seriously. Very. Seriously.

   Indeed it is rare to find true friends that love you and accept you for all that you are and love you and accept you for all that you are not.

   I guess that’s why it hurts so much when they are gone.

   A true friend can know you better than you know yourself. A true friend is always forgiving and honest. A true friend can also see you for all you are worth even when you can’t see it in yourself. They are there for the good times, and there for the bad, they even call you out on your shit.

   I hate to sound cliche but, “The Harder The Truth To Tell, The Truer The Friend That Tells It.” My closest friends, the ones I trust the most, would never let me leave the house in an outfit that isn’t flattering, and always tell me when I need a breath mint. They tell me when I am great and they certainly tell me when I am an asshole.

   I think you are lucky if you find just ONE friend like that in this world.

   Alas, I am writing this post with tears falling from my eyes and a very heavy heart. It seems that some of my truly valued friendships has come to an untimely and unexplained end.

   Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever. Yet, I understand that friendships end and friends part company every day. I know it is unfortunate, even the best maintained friendships can end. Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle. Sometimes friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other’s company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.

   I get that.

   But here is what I don’t get. Usually, I can pin point the reason or circumstance as to the: when, where, what, why, and how the relationship was terminated. However, in this particular case, with these particular friends, I don’t know what was/is the cause that has led to the sudden demise of our friendship. Like, was it so strong to end everything so easily?

   I believe that it is very important to hold myself accountable for my actions and to take full responsibility when I am in the wrong. So, for the last two weeks I have been making myself crazy. I have been analyzing every word and every action, while replaying every single conversation, and every single moment in time we spent together over the last 2 years, in my head. After much thought and scrutiny I am still left wondering what I may have said or done to that extent that drove my friends out of my life?!?!

   I don’t usually have this much trouble letting go of a friendship. Shit, I have cut people out of my life that I felt were toxic for me, and I never gave them a second thought. But at least I had the decency to give them the courtesy of a phone call, or to write them a good bye letter, giving an explanation as to WHY I would no longer be a participating member of the relationship.

   These former friends, the ones who extended their hands in friendship, only to take it away, without warning or notice have been such an important role in my life that I am unable to walk away as easily. I know that I cannot make someone stay friends with me, and I will respect their wishes. I just wish it didn’t hurt this bad.

   I know I have other people I can lean on. I know that I am blessed with a boyfriend, a few other friends and parents who I can turn to.

   But I miss them. A lot.

   And, this…hurts.

   I am trying to hold on to the fact that people will come in and out of my life for a various reason. Some are meant to stay forever. Others are here only temporarily to teach me a valuable lesson or to help me through something. Maybe they were in my life to teach me and that lesson has been learned and our time together is simply over.

   Yet I still have no closure. And no answers. Maybe I never will. I guess it is important for me to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then maybe I can move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships.

   But it is going to take some time to get used to this new empty place in my life that was once filled with their happy, smiling, faces and all the good times we had...................................... :(

You are forever in my heart, no matter the distance, or the time we are apart.

When we get too Attached...

   Suddenly out of nowhere, a non-existent person becomes insignificantly important in our lives. Involuntarily, we give them a part of us, a fragile and breakable part. This makes us vulnerable. We idolize them, in a way. Everything about them seems so perfect and pleasant. We somehow relate anything and everything to them. We make them our topmost priority. We do all that it takes to make them stay. Everything seems all happy and pleasant when we are with them. You do everything for them because you think they mean the world to you. But then, they don’t think the same way!! You don’t get back what you give. And this, in a way, is disappointing. Because attachment and concern lead to expectations. And expectations lead to disappointment. 
   It doesn’t take that long to realize that we aren’t that important to them. And then, we try to make them stay, we try to keep them happy. We make them stay not because we want to be with them, but because we know that we wouldn’t be able to manage without them. And all this generally doesn’t work. You can’t really force a person to stay, when they don’t want to. Sooner or later, the real picture does come up, shattering all our hopes. Because they were the most important people in your life. You could never imagine your life without them.
   So is it really fair? Giving someone undue importance in your life, when you know they don’t deserve it. Still, we let them take complete charge over what is ours. We are afraid of losing them, when we really don’t have them. And then moving on, after realizing that they don’t want you in their lives…… Is tough!! It’s almost impossible. With tears and pain, you try and forget them. But it’s never that easy. You’re reminded of every small little memory you have shared with them!
   So, getting attached to someone is nothing but a series of self torture. It is a kind of a self-inflicted problem. You go through the rush, you go through the pain. That too when the other person is blissfully unaware of what you are going through. So even when we know that there is nothing good about it, we go for it. And why do we do that? Well, you could ask yourselves that.

Why was I holding on to something that would never be mine? But isn’t that what people do?

Follow your heart

   

   The thing with me is, I can’t work under pressure. I cannot tolerate someone standing on my head 24×7 telling me what is to be done. I want to do what I want, when I want. Expert or Adult supervision and guidance is of course necessary. But things get out of hand when others start forcing their opinions on me. They think that offering a few advices has given them the right to poke their noses into my business. But this can’t be done. This is my life. The only thing that I can proudly call my own. I am the master here. I make my own rules, set my own targets. I decide what I want to do in life. It’s my future and I will have to plan it according to me. Making a selfless decision just to temporarily please a person, only to regret it later. Makes no sense, really!!!
   For instance, my parents want to get me into medicine or engineering and I, on the other hand, seek happiness elsewhere. These are the people who have brought me into this world and made me who I am today. I owe a lot to them. I know they have a few expectations and I want to do my best to keep up to them. They want me to be successful, that’s it. They want me to earn well and have a comfortable life ahead. But, I want to travel the world, I want to get into trouble. I want to be creative. I know there is tremendous scope in it. But, people look at it as something which is meant for the idle. People don’t know what passion is. Doctors, engineers or a good post in a cooperate firm, this is what is noble and classy to them. Big cars, lavish bungalows and shitloads of money, that is what other people dream about. Me? Well, I dream about doing what I love, even if it makes me compromise with these things. The world needs artists too. Artists, of all kinds. People who actually work from their heart and not from that emotionless bunch of nerves which lies inside their heads.

"Follow your heart, minute by minute and day by day. Let the course of the river run as it will, instead of tying yourself up in fears that you may never realize.."

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   We have family and friends who mean a lot us. We know that they love us and our happiness does matter to them. But no matter how close you are to someone, they will never know what exactly is your mind. No matter how expressive you are, there are certain things that just cannot be put up in words. So basically, the world will never know what you actually want from your life. People can just make assumptions and offer advice based on it. This life is yours. People may come, offer advice, announce their opinions and go. But in the end, you will have to make a final decision. Succumb to the pressure or gather the courage to follow your heart. Do what you want to, chase your dreams, madly. A person can only excel is something if it comes straight from the heart. 
   Not everyone can be an all-rounder. Not everyone can try everything and excel at it. There are certain plus points that every person has. Some are creative, others philosophical and some nerds. It is always better to do what you’re good at rather than trying to be good at something you can’t do. People have a fixed mentality. No artists are respected if they are not famous, no matter how talented they may be. This holds back a lot of people. It is only the ones who ignore what the world says and follow their heart that are the most successful. So, instead of trying to be something that you can’t, be what you are. Instead of looking up to people for advice, look into your heart. For there you shall find all your answers and if decide to stick to them, life is awesome! 

"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary…" 

Being Misunderstood.....

   

   
   I was a part of them. All of us used to be together. We shared all our little secrets. I could be myself with them and I loved that. They kind of made me feel good about what I was. I enjoyed being with my peer group. But eventually, I started feeling out of place. One by one all of them turned against me. They started avoiding me. Whenever all of us were in a group, they exchanged strange looks. I could sense that they no longer enjoyed my company. They were hardly interested in whatever I said. I don’t know what lead them to this, but whatever it was, they were stupid enough to believe it.
   To make matters worse, I had fights with my parents during those days. I was shattered. It was then that the people whom I needed the most turned their back towards me. Instead of asking me the actual reasons, they themselves guessed that I was the one who was at fault. The blame fell on me. Having no other option, I decided to stick to these diplomatic people, still pretending that I knew nothing about the nasty stuff they said behind my back. Individually, I tried to walk up to each one of them to find out the actual reasons. But nobody cared. Soon, I was lost into the realms of depression, over thinking being the root cause. I am still trying to figure out where I was wrong. I am still searching for an answer.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it…”

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  When things are against you, no matter what you do, they are actually against you. No matter how hard you try, things stop making sense to you. People who loved you a couple of days ago start hating you for absolutely no reason. You decide to stick to them because you know that you have nowhere else to go. You try to find out where YOU had gone wrong. Sadly you don’t find a definite answer. This is the time when one feels lonely, even when sitting in a group of people. You can’t express what you feel because you know that the people that once loved you, will now judge you. You are facing constant criticism.
   Here it goes to all the people on the other side of it. It is really easy to make fun of people behind their back. You can mock them and crack jokes about them, probably because you have no other means of entertainment. While doing so, just pause and think of those days when you needed support and you had this person by your side. Today when the situation is reversed, you were expected to do the same. Instead of blindly following the crowd, you were expected to be the one who stands for a friend. Put yourself in their shoes, and you will know how much it hurts.

“Being misunderstood only means you are not being a follower. So walk on your own path and walk proudly.“

The Exploration

   Things aren't very right. Everything is turning out to be a disaster. I expected better out of life, I deserved better. Months ago, I hadn't pictured my life to be so dull and boring. Why is this world and the people in it on a mission to let me down? With an objective to show me that I am not capable of anything worthwhile. As I look around see people doing wonders in their respective fields, I turn to myself and wonder, am I not meant for anything at all? Is this what I was made for, sitting and marveling the others around me? While they take over the main stage and rule it, I sit somewhere in the audience, applauding. I lost my identity in the crowd, somewhere. I embark upon a journey to search for the real me, to find my purpose of existence.
   People often crib when they don’t get an opportunity to do what they want to. My case is psychic. I don’t know what I want to do. I decided to search, but couldn’t seek. I decided to wait, but to no avail. When I look at those around me, they are the ones who are sure of their future. They are sure what they want from life. Why was I made this way? Why do I always have to be a part of the crowd? Do I never get to experience the limelight? Do I never get to see what the view from up there is? I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be ordinary. I don’t want to lose myself in the crowd. But, whenever I make the slightest attempt, I am pushed down by the ones at the top. I want to get there. I want to climb the highest of them all.

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   This confused, depressing monologue probably belongs to someone who is tired of being ordinary. Someone who is a blend of some non-existent-self-confidence dreams. The combination isn’t feasible, at all. Just as a bird needs wings to fly, we need self-confidence to rise. No one wants a simple life. Everyone wants to be successful, if not rich. Renowned, if not famous. The thing with us is, as long as everyone is with us, life is perfect. But as soon as people start moving forward in their lives, we feel left behind. Why wait for someone to leave you and go ahead? Why not be the first one to move forward, the first one to chase your dreams. The first one to chase your purpose and grab it.
   To cut the long lecture short, sitting and grumbling about things won’t help. 
It never does. Waiting for a miracle won’t do the trick either. We all have to get geared up and work hard. If you are not ready to work hard, you will never know what success tastes like. All that you can then do is sit among the crowd and wave at the others, pretending to be happy for them. We need a purpose in life. As we grow up, we need an individuality of our own.

Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.

Parents' Love

The Oblivious Battle

   I seem to have the best parents. They are my friends, my guide, my companions as well as my parents. They have been there for me right from the time when I was an infant. They taught me how to walk, talk, speak, behave and above all they gave me a set of priceless values which make me unique. The kind of personality and image which I carry today, I owe a large part of it to them. They support me with all my decisions and help me mend the wrong ones. They provide me all sorts of assistance. They are the best people in my life.
   But then, there is a cloudy side to it too, things aren't that pleasant always. It seems as if my parents have failed to register the fact that I am growing up. I need a certain level of independence which isn't provided to me. My parents think that I am still that Grade 1 child who is too innocent and fragile to face this world. Apart from this, we have clashing opinions. They never try to see things from my perspective. They try and force their opinions on me. They try and bind me with rules which are way too difficult to follow. I know that they care, but then too much of stricture and stipulation isn't good. There are days when I want to break free of this dependence and be all alone, all by myself.
It is from your parents that you learn love and laughter and how to put one foot before the other. But when books are opened you discover that you have wings.

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   All teenagers have some or the other issues with their parents. Some think that their parents interfere way too much, while others think that they don’t fulfill their demands. Above all, the mindset clashes. Blame the generation gap. Our generation has seen rapid social progress. This enhances the gap even more. No doubt, our parents have changed with the changing times, but there are certain aspects of teenage that they cannot comprehend. Our impulsiveness scares them. There are certain things that are a complete ‘No’. But then, there can’t be a ban on everything. The sole outcome of strictness is rebellion.
   There is no use of finding out who actually is at fault. The answer could disappoint many. Do not give in to parental pressure. The best solution is to talk. Instead of arguments, have discussions with your parents. Tell them how it feels to see the world through your eyes. Try and make them understand what you think. This would help, a lot. It’s not only them, you’ll feel good too. Make your parents your friends. But, when necessary obey whatever they say, without objections. For you know that these are the only people in this whole wide world whom you can blindly trust. Every decision that they take for you will only take you higher. Their decisions may be hard to accept at times, but once you do, it’ll make your life better.
   Don’t stay away from your parents and leave them when they need you the most. You would never be able to pay back in life what all they have done for you.

Love Your Parents. We are so busy growing up; we often forget they are also growing old.

A GIRL…. Its not that difficult to know her (perhaps)!!

   I may be an angel one moment and a rebel the next instant. I may be very understanding today and you can find me cribbing over small stuff tomorrow. I may love you at now and hate you then. But this is not without reason. I care for you more than anyone else can. I get insecure when I see people hovering around what is supposed to be mine. I am over emotional when it comes to my close ones. I may smile the whole day and cry myself to sleep at night. 
   There is a whirlpool of emotions going through me all the time. I try to express them in the best possible way. These are often termed as ‘mood swings’. But this is my love for you which expresses itself with a range of emotions. I want us to stay the way we are forever. I am always extra careful not to make any wrong move, do anything which risks our relationship. I plan my present according to our future. If you could make yourself believe that these so called ‘mood swings’ are my expression of Love for you, you’ll realize how true my love for you is. 

I am a Girl. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I dream big. And when I say I Love You, I’m not lying.

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   A Girl is indeed a unique creation. Her feelings are unfathomable. Her mind is a complete chaos with hundreds of things going on all at the same time. She is always nagging about something or the other. But then, she was made that way. Her emotions are the same as that of a guy, just that they are way too intense. You can’t just say anything and everything to her, hoping she wouldn't mind. Once she commits herself to someone, it is very hard for her to let go. Moving on is not something she can do within days. It takes a lot more than that.
And when she is in a relationship, she expects even more. All her saved up wishes start coming up. She wants you to be with her, always. When you pretend to care less, things get worse. She becomes dull and cranky. Never give her a chance to do so. Be there by her side, always. If you have even the tiniest of doubts about your relationship, speak to her about it. She may react suddenly at first, but eventually she will know the facts. 
She hates it when you hide stuff; it makes her all the more insecure. Try to understand her. Ask her how her day was. When she complains, just listen, and she will feel lighter. Being practical is not something that you can often expect out of her. Try to adapt to her way of Love, and you will find yourself in a way better position than you are today.
Girls are weird with relationships. They think they know what they want and then they Run.
They run because they are Scared. Scared that they might get hurt. Or maybe because they think they haven’t found the ‘someone’ who they know is worth being hurt for……